Gin On His Breath....Bible In His Hands......

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"........ Stop the praise worship! Stop the praise worship right now!!" " The pastor wants you all to stop the dancing and singing. And all you single ladies, should stop trying to entice God fearing members of the Church with the ways you shake your Ikebe.. Especially Sister Esther." "... Yes, stop the praise worship! It has gone on for two hours too long. .... and the noise is beginning to get on my nerves. Right now, I am not just in the mood ......." " The Pastor is in not in the mood today. He is getting tired of you single ladies tempting religious brothers of this Church with the salacious ways you shake your jelly like buttocks..... Especially Sister Esther. " "I am angry. I am very angry. There will be no sermon today. The reason for me sweating like a Christmas goat is because I am angry. " " The Pastor, founder, General Overseer, Bishop, Reverend, Chief, Dr. Samuel Thomas JolaJesu is angry." "I am angry and the Holy Spirit is angry with me. Man is pure unadulterated evil. Yes. Mankind is worse than Animals. Jesus Christ died for our sins. Yet mankind would not stop his evil ways. Holding in red blood and emitting white spittle from the mouth. Mankind is pure evil." " Man is a bitch.... Sorry...... man is bad." " Who ever says God loves a sinner is talking blasphemy. God hates a sinner. He hates a liar! A person that can lie, can steal. And whoever can steal is an Armed Robber in waiting. So you are saying that God loves an Armed Robber? Watch your mouth my people." " Preach Pastor preach. Tell them the truth like only you can...." " Wait Brother Giringory....... I can feel the holy spirit entering my body. Oh yes. I can feel it now..... Somebody in this Church has lied to God!! He has lied to me and he has lied to all you good people of this Church. Somebody whose name we will not mention. A notable elder has lied!!" " One of our respected members is a potential Armed Robber." " The so called elder, whose name I will not mention is in Church today and seated as usual in the front roll. He has deceived God, me the Pastor and you good people of the Church." " Repent ye elder or....." "The elder came to me for special prayers, towards a Government contract he was pursuing. The contract, he told me was worth $9 million. Dollars, good people of the Church. American Dollars!!! Like the good Pastor that I am, one who loves his people. You all know how much I love you. Not because of the money....." " We all know when it comes to money, the Pastor will lose the Holy Spirit in a jiffy. Throw down the Bible. With eyes turning red like a Bus Stop thug......." " Brother Giringory. I beg your pardon. I am not in the mood for your foolishness today. We are talking money....oops....about my anger." " Sorry my Pastor. I got carried away." " ...... Like I was saying, we entered into serious prayers for this elder. I fasted for forty days and nights. Dry fasting, my people. Numerous night vigils. I consulted other Pastors. Both at home and in Diaspora. I even had to travel to my village to meet with elders.THIS IS NIGERIA...." "Pastor took the case to Spiritual Herbalists. Babalawos, in his hometow....." " ....Brother Giringory. Your mouth will......" " ............Sorry my Pastor." " Brethren. Good people of the Church, this elder got the contract. But inside sources from Government and the Holy Spirit, told me that the elder lied. The contract he was awarded was not for $9 million. It was not for $90 million! People of God. The contract that I helped this wicked,ungrateful, sacrilegious, Lucifer loving elder get, was for $900 million!!! $900 million, good people. That is why I am angry and have not been able to sleep for days now. Mankind is evil." " Sopona ooo. Chineke!! Holy Micheal!!! Holy Sango!!! Holy Ogun lakaye. Jesus Christ!!! Human beings are terrible ooooo." "My point exactly Brother Giringory. $900 Million!! American Dollars. The elder whose name we will not mention, lied to the Church he give us as tithe, 10% of $9 million. Wicked rogue. One who should be put to death by the firing squad. I knew something was wrong when I saw him and his wife come to Church in separate brand new Prado SUVs. You cannot deceive the Holy Spirit, my friend. I too have people in Government....." " Pastor, can I have a word with you......" " .....What Giringory. What it the foolishness this time. And why are you whispering. Talk loud I have nothing to hide, like some people who by the grace of my Father in Heaven will perish here on Earth and in Hell.." " Emm... Emmm... Pastor I am whispering, because if my memory serves me right. You know I am the Church accountant. The amount you told us the contract was for, was 90 million Naira. Pastor, you said the elder gave the Church ten percent of 90 million NAIRA. Pastor my memory....." " ... Shut up your smelly mouth. You ingrate. I used to think your mouth will be the death of you..... and Sister Esther. I underestimated your memory. It will kill you faster than your mouth. You good for nothing drunk. That memory will pay your salary and take care of your family from now on. You mad man." " But Pastor, the truth....." " I say shut up your mouth. It is not all what the eye sees that the big ugly mouth talk about. Shut up Giringory. Or do you want me to tell the Church how much money you have stolen from them? Or tell your wife about Sister Esther? Or tell God, that you have gin on your breath while you hold the Holy Bible in your hand. Giringory, it is because of the soap that we give glory to the sponge oooo. I made you. I can destroy you. Send you back to the village. You ingrate. You want to embarrass me? You want to put sand in my Garri Ijebu?" " ....Sorry Pastor...... I got carried away..... Good people of the Church, Elder Chief Nicodemus Oduyela has lied to the Church. He will rot in Hell......" This one specially for Chief Mrs Iro Ohwovoriole-Ajasa, who was made especially for me. Happy Birthday darling. In you I got better than I deserved. Being a Nigeria is abysmally frustrating and unbelievably exciting.- J.P. Clark.

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